Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Hard Admittance

I confess that I'm really having a hard time with my weight to the point that I do not want to eat in front of people. I have even thought about getting rid of my food by throwing it up, but have not done it. It is a thought that I want to disappear forever. I'm slowly gaining back the weight I lost when I was on my Topamax medication for my headaches. I had to stop taking that medication because of horrible side effects. Now, when I eat I'm so very self-conscious. I hate how food has such a control over me. I hate that it is necessary for survival. I hate that I feel alone. I hate how every girl I see seems to weigh like 110 lbs. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that God loves me and I'm unique and that comparing yourself to others is wrong and a tool the devil uses against us. I know my identity is in Christ and I need to claim it. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to take action and stop complaining. That is easier said than done. I feel so defeated, depressed, and sad, and ashamed of my thoughts. It's not easy to stop bad eating habits from childhood. I use to be thin and gained so much weight when my dad died. The weight is a constant reminder of his death for me. I need God's strength and power right now to help me through this addiction. I can't do this on my own without Him. Please help me, God. I'm tired of being fat and constantly not fitting into my clothes.

Friday, July 24, 2009


I went to the doctor last night because I have been experiencing chronic fatigue for awhile. I asked him if it was okay if we good run some more lab tests. I'm afraid that all my lab tests will come back normal, and I will continue to not know why I'm extremely tired all the time. I know I'm not a good sleeper, but this kind of tiredness is not normal. It's constant, and I can't stop yawning. At work, I have almost fallen asleep at my desk several times. I take a multi-vitamin and Vitamin B-12. I have been exercising and go to sleep at a decent time every night. I don't understand and hate not knowing what's wrong with me. I had one of the phlebotomists where I work draw my labs this morning, and she will have to send it off to an outside lab. If those test results come back normal, I'm not sure what else to do. I pray about this, and I try to eat healthy, exercise, and take vitamins, and go to bed at a decent hour. I'm constantly tired. I hate it. There's so much that I need to do and I feel like this keeps me from doing things because I have no energy level at all. I'm concerned about my health, and have been for a long time. I'm too young for this kind of stuff to be happening to me. I barely have energy to work my job, drive home, get up in the morning, go to the grocery store, get up for church on Sunday, or help serve on the college ministry on Sunday night. Please keep me in your prayers if you read this. Thanks.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Night-time bloggin'

So, it's Sunday, and I didn't go to church or to MERGE... It was a struggle just getting out of bed... was in bed for most of the day because my headache would not go away... so I bascially watched t.v. all day and did laundry.

I watched this marathon on MTV called the World's Strictest Parents where these strict parents take in two rebellious teens for a week. I was amazed at how much some of the teens changed after staying with the parents in that short amount of time... some of the teens were just lazy, but most of them drank, smoked, and cursed, and were really disrespectful to the parents. I was really awestruck by how most of the parents behaved calmly by this disrespectful behavior, and most of the parents were of the Christian faith and prayed for the teens. I thought that was awesome. I got a lot from watching the show because of the effect thse strict parents had on these teens. Whether or not they stick to changing their ways remains to be seen, but it gave me a glimpse of how some teens are and how they act, and how to be a parent and what a challenge it is. I look forward to one day being a parent, but I know it is not my time yet.

I feel like I wasted yet anopther day of my life not feeling well, but I can't help it sometimes, I have no energy at all even if I take vitamins and eat well. I kinda concerned but can't go to th doctor because we are shortstaffed and I'm trying to accumulae time off hours, so I'm praying that God will give me strength just to endure getting up in the morning and getting out of bed. It takes all my strength, especially when I'm not feeling well. I don' t want to complain about it. I really don't understand the fatigue. I can eat well, work out, and take vitamins, and feel so tired I can't stay awake. I have to lay down. It's strange. I know I need to go see my doctor, just have to put it off a while longer. I don't want to waste any more of my days staying at home in bed because of horrible headaches and fatigue. There is way too much to do, and nothing is going to hold me back.

I'm so grateful to God for everything. I realize I can do more than what I thought I could. I pray for strength and restoration and deliverance tonight. In Jesus' Name.

Friday, July 17, 2009

So, I'm on my 30-minute lunch break at work... it's around 12:30 p.m. My co-worker, Janet, left at noon. She is flying out to Florida to go to ther father's funeral. I'm not sure how old Janet is, but I think she is in her sixties. Her father was in his 90's... 95 I think. Janet's mother passed away a month ago, and she lived in California. I pray for peace and comfort while Janet goes to be with her family in Florida.

We will be shortstaffed at work. We already are shortstaffed. One of my co-worker's, Kim, left to go work with the doctor that was temporarily with our office, Dr. Le at Presby Plano. Her replacement is not able to come back to work until August 5th because her daughter has a rare nerve disease called RSV, that affects her central nervious system. Her name is Debbie, and she use to work at the front desk until she had to leave to take care of her daughter. Debbie's husband is in the military and comes back permanently, which is good for her. Debbie has had to deal with her daughter's illness with a husband and a son in the military.

My other co-worker, Richelle, also had a death in the family a day apart from when Janet's dad died. So, she had to leave in the middle of the day over a week ago... So, work has been a little hectic, but nothing too bad...

There have been a lot of deaths of family members of co-workers I work with. It's really eerie because they all happened around the same time, but in different departments. First it was radiation, and then medical records.

Janet will return to work next Friday, so I pray that my workweek next week will not be too bad. Luckily, I'm done with school until about a month or so, so I have some downtime to really think and get advice for the next semester.

My oldest brother, Jeremy, moved back in last week, and he moved the computer in the living room. This means that I can continue to take online courses with DCCCD if I choose to. I need to go talk to a counselor about the Fall semester because I'm not sure where to go from here.

As far as the summer goes, I really just want to treat this time as a vacation even though I can not go anywhere right now unless I took a road trip to Austin or somewhere else in Texas for a weekend.

Things in the college ministry are changing as the college pastor feels called to another chapter in his life, but not knowing exactly what that is yet. I love the Larsen family and I'm excited for Robby, who will take on this new leadership role. I pray that I will not get tired serving in the church as people continue to get married and move on from the college ministry to the next chapter in their lives. There have been so many engagements in the college ministry this year, I'm trying not to be envious.

I think for me, everything has never come easily or quickly. I blossomed later in life, and while most of my friends started driving at 16, I got my license at 19. I had to save up for the down payment. I know all the good things that I desire are coming up but I know in my heart it is not my time yet. I'm still pursuing an education, which is undecided, and I'm trying to build up my savings account and pay what I can pay on my debts.

I admit I am highly frustrated with myself for getting to the weight that I am. Most people think that I look fine, but I am overweight, and there are a lot of medical problems like diabetes and heart problems. It is important for me to lose weight and take care of my body, especially if I plan on getting pregnant in the future.

I've been thinking about getting a new bike, so I'm looking around for deals. I went to the park with some of my friends on Tuesday evening at Breckenridge Park in Richardson, and I loved the trails. I know it is way too hot to go outside and exercise, but I really want to make an effort and get this fat off of me. I realize how weak I am without God and the hardt hing about being addicted to food is that we need food for survival and I grew up in a family with poor eating habits. It's going to be a challenge to lose the weight and keep it off, but only with God's help can I do that. No matter how hard I try, I can not stop overeating. I tried and tried.

I'm excited for what God has for me. For now I'm going to enjoy the rest of the summer and focus on weight loss, healthy eating, paying off debts, saving money, and what to take next semester.

Thank you God for this opportunity to change myself for the better, not only physically, but in all ways. Lord, help me embrace this time of singleness, and help to to focus on You, and not be concerned with things I shouldn't concern myself with. Lord, show me who my real friends are, and provide new Christian friends in my life to help and encourage me in my path.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

S.L. Johnson

Thursday, July 16, 2009

What's Next?

So, I'm on my 30-minute lunch break at work, so I thought I would give a little update before time runs out and I have to clock back in...

I finished my online Sociology class on Monday, the 13th... I think I made an "A" in the class... I'm not quite sure, though because the grading system is different. I'm glad I put myself out there and took the class. I honestly did not think I would be able to handle the workload, but I did fine, and worked hard. I missed out on Summer II. It came so fast, and I would not know what to take anyways. I need to talk to a counselor about the Fall semester. I kind of know the area I want to work in now, but it is a matter of talking to the right people and figuring out which degree plan to pursue.

This is what I know: I love children, but I'm not a teacher and I do not want to be a nanny or work in childcare. I also know I do not necessarily be a social worker. I'm actually thinking of working with adoption agencies, but like I said, I'm not sure what that means exactly. I know that childbirth amazes me, and I think that pregnancy is a miracle. I'm awestruck by the whole birthing process. I think it would be great to help out pregnant mothers.

My church has a Pregnancy Resource Center in Rockwall and Mesquite I can volunteer at, but my time is limited because I work full-time and will be going to school in the Fall. I do not want to overwhelm myself because I ddo have health problems, and need to make sure I get plenty of rest.

I am continuing to pray for what God would have me to do. I always have stuff going on and things to take care of... I'm a little concerned about my health because I have had this deep chest cough on and off for months. I have been wheezing, and I don't weeze, and if I do not take some kind of allergy medication, I will sneeze and sneeze, and my nose will run, and my eyes and ears itch nonstop.

Things are a little hectic at work because we are shortstaffed and there have been two deaths in the family for two of my co-workers in a matter of two days, so I'm tired from the shortstaffedness, and I'm tired from doing my class. Since my class is over, all I want to do when I get home is sleep.

I have this unexplainable fatigue. I have been taking a multi-vitamin and 1000mcg of Vitamin B-12 and I'm still tired. I don't understand it. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I'm scared what may be happening in my body.

My bloodwork came back normal from my yearly visit, but I need other bloodtests done to see if something is going on like Lupus, etc.

I need lots of prayers. I'm tired and have little energy to go and socialize. I ned a vacation, but that's impossible, and if I go on vacation, I want to go out of state, away from work and everything else.

Well, not too much of an update, but I have to go back to work....

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks.

So, I started my new online Sociology class for Summer I.had some fears about this class because I have never done an online class. Plus, this class is fast-paced; reading two chapters a week, assignments, and weekly test that are due on Sundays.

I'm surprised how well I'm doing in this class. I have to give God all the glory. I know that if this is the path I'm to follow, He will provide for my means, and that I don't need to worry about how I'm going to pay for my classes, and not really having much of a social life. I have more of a social life than I thought I would, but have had to say "no" to some things. I even got to go to an awesome Masquerade Ball Party, which was super fun!!

I'm grateful for the chance to go to school. I mean, I thought I was one of those people that don't go to college. I see that now I'm also leaning towards doing some kind of work with children also; not as a teacher, but maybe at an adoption agency or orphanage, which would be in the social sciences field. I might end up taking Human Development classes which are mainly for a teaching degree.

I have been praying so long for God to lead me and tell me where He wants me to be as far as a career goes. I have always had an IMMENSE love for children- well people of all ages, but mainly little ones, and serving others. Working at an orphanage or adoption agency will combine these two loves of mine.

I keep praying for wisdom and discernment and that I won't be concerned with missing out on things like parties and get-togethers. I know that fellowship is important, and I do fellowship, but sometimes I'm focused too much on that, and not on what God has for me to do.
He is telling me to press forwards and keep doing what I'm doing. Things seem to be aligning together for this to happen, so I'm really joyful and excited about what comes next.

He is also opening up opportunities for me to meet new people at church. Most of them share the same interests in the arts as I do. I'm just amazed about what God is doing for me and through me by His Spirit.

My next goal is to start slowly paying off debts, and really take care of myself by exercising. I know it is hot outside, but I have a desire to go walking or doing something to get myself in shape.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow!!! :-)

Friday, June 5, 2009

It's Friday, and I'm at home. I'm not sure if I want to get out of the house and go somewhere or stay here and veg out by watching t.v. 

One thing that consumes my mind right now is my Summer 1 Intro to Sociology class which begins June 8th and ends July 16. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy, but I do have concerns about the class.

For one, it is online and is fast-paced requiring 12-18 per week outside of my work schedule, church activities, etc.  It requires me to read a chapter every couple of days, respond to discussion boards and questions from my peers in regards to class assignments, and do review sheets, etc.

I'm really going to have to prioritize well and be disciplined and focus on my studies.  I'm going to have to learn how to manage my time well in order to exceed in this class for the next 5 1/2 weeks.  

My concerns are that I will not understand the reading material. I easily forget what I read, and I can re-read over things again and again and still not understand the text or directions. It's frustrating, but it seems like what I just read just "blinked" out of my mind the moment I finished reading it forcing me to focus harder and harder without any distractions.

Regardless of my concerns for the class ahead, I'm excited about what I am going to about myself and my peers who are attending class with me online. Each of us are assigned to a small group, and one of my group members already e-mailed me.  

When I got home from work, I logged online and read the first chapter of the book required for the class. I will probably re-reread the 20 plus pages of the first chapter so I can remember what I read better.

I keep praying for wisdom, discipline, focus, drive, motivation, and time management. I don't want to get burnt out and drop the class. I tend to be an overachiever and want to do well and stay on the right path and direction God has for me.

I feel like I'm stressing out about it too much, but I intentionally and sincerely want God to take control of my life and I want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading in my life. I'm 29 years old. Life is a vapor and I don't want to waste my life or concern myself with thing I don;t need to concern myself with.

God, grant me wisdom to take this class. Please help me retain what I read, understand the reading material, and understand directions for class assignments. Lord, give wisdom while taking all the quizzes and tests after each chapter for each unit. Lord, help me to manage my time well and to be focused on my education. Lord, give me the will, drive, and motivation to do this fast-paced 5 1/2 week long course as it requires a lot of my time outside of my work, church activities, and social life. Help me most of all, to stay focused on you as top priority, as everything falls apart without You. God, help me. I need You. I love You and everything You are doing for me right now, have done, and will continue to do through me by the power of Your Holy Spirit which guides me in all truth and knowledge.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

S.L. Johnson

Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Soloist

  I have been wanting to see The Soloist ever since it came out in theaters, and finally got a chance to see it last night with wonderful friends of mine. 

*Spoilers ahead*

  The Soloist stars a LA Times writer, Steve, who is trying to find a good story for the paper. He stumbles upon, Nathaniel, a homeless man, who is playing the violin with only two strings. Steve starts writing about Nathaniel in his column, and a reader sends a cello to the office of the LA Times. Steve tries over and over again in the movie to coax the musically-talented Nathaniel into playing the cello at a homeless center, and eventually the LA Philharmonic. Steve comes to find out that Nathaniel was once a Julliard student in the 70's, but dropped out
due to bouts of schnizophrenia. Steve witnesses Nathaniel's schnizophrenic behavior when Nathaniel is asked to play for the LA Philharmonic.

  A deep friendship between Nathaniel and Steve forms throughout the film bringing Steve out of his comfort zone and into the world of the homeless community. Steve learns that he can't "fix" Nathaniel despite mutiple attempts to get him to play his music at the homeless center or at the PhilHarmonic. The best thing he can do for his as his ex-wife said is to "just be his friend." 


  It is hard for me to put into words how I feel about this film, quite honestly. There are so many deep truths that I see that I need to put into practice after watching the movie and the friendship between Steve and Nathaniel.  

  We often try to "fix" our loved ones. It is hard for us to love the unlovable. It is hard for us to love people totally different from us. It is hard for us to love people we deem weird, awkward, strange, etc. It is hard to love someone who look different from us and come from backgrounds we know nothing about. We like to stay in our comfort zones with people who don't make us feel uncomfortable about ourselves or what we do. 

  It makes me think of the verse in the Word, "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the taxcollectors doing that?" (Matthew 5:46 NIV)

  We were not called to stay in our comfort zones, but most of us do. I do. It reminds me also that we as a whole, need to stop trying to "fix" our loved ones and be their friend. It doesn't mean we never confront, or admonish one another in love when their is a need to. 

  It means listening, and sometimes not always giving advice or trying to fix the problem or the person. Sometimes, people just need someone to talk to.  Sometimes, it means going to places that make us uncomfortable deep down inside because maybe we have things we need to deal with as a result of stepping out and befriending others. It means loving those that are hard to love.

  The only way we can truly love a broken person in the way we ought to is to remember Jesus and the way He loved others. He gives us the ability to love the unlovable. To love the person we think we can "fix". 

  Jesus is our example and the One we should look to on how to love. Jesus befriended those who society deemed as outcasts: prostitutes, lepers, and the like. People who looked different, came from different backgrounds, and had physical disabilities.

  If we are in Christ, should we not do the same? What benefit is it to us to stay in our comfort zones, and never venture out into the world in which we are called to be lights? It is of no benefit to us at all because we are missing out on some wonderful friendships and missing out on sharing His love with them.

  Only God can "fix" us through the power and blood of His Son, Jesus Christ. Creation can not fix creation. Only the Creator can "fix" and restore the creation to where it should be. 

  I was so blessed by the film and think you should watch it with an open mind and heart. Sometimes we get caught up in how great the acting may be or other things, but we can miss out on deep meanings by doing so.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Into the Abyss

I see myself as a tiny ant in this mass universe... but what am I building upon for my future? I have been blessed with a job. It's not my dream job, but God provided this job for me almost two years after I quit my job in March 2005. I was at a job I really despised before this job came along and when I went temp-to-hire, I was so happy.  I'm really grateful for the job I have and being able to provide for myself.

I can sense God leading me in another direction. I sense His Spirit strongly. He has a plan for me and I'm seeking Him and asking questions. I'm still not sure about school even though I paid for my online Intro to Sociology class for Summer II. It starts 06/08/09 and ends 07/16/2009. I definitely needs prayers for wisdom and understanding. I'm not the best student. I learn by doing, but I'm poor at directions. Like if someone gave me directions on how to put something together like a desk, I can't do it. I'm hoping that I will be able to take this online course and read and actually be able to apply these directions and pass this course. I know I have learning disabilities, so I mainly try to observe and pay attention. It just seems like my mind blanks out information as soon as someone tells me something and so I have to re-read things over a thousand times, and sometimes I still don't get it. What's also frustrating, is trying to remember what people tell me and not misinterpret how they said how to do it. We will see how school goes... Learning disabilities aside. I'm going to give school another go.

I sick of just wading in the abyss of my life. I'm sick of being a "Doubting Thomas" and asking God all these questions of "When, Where, Why, What Time, and How?" I'm sick of the monotony of my life and how things seem so stagnant and boring. I'm sick of these migraines that affect my life so much and the medications and doctor visits I have wasted money on that I could of used that money for something else. I'm sick of feeling held back by financial woes. I don't want to be mad or angry at God for the things I don't have and remind myself often not to compare or envy others.

At bible study the other night, the one thing I remember most is how we were talking about God's plan and how God had a plan for Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary didn't know that she was to bring the Saviour into the world by virgin birth. She could of easily married Joseph and lead a simple life in those days, but she brought Jesus into the world by the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph even though to divorce her, but God sent an angel to explain His plan and what was to happen. Mary is will always be remembered for being the mother of Jesus. 

Since God has a plan for each of us, we need not try to plan our lives. A lot of people have goals in mind of how old they want to be when they want to be married and have children, but God has a different plan in mind way better than we could ever conceive of. I think we get  so focused on what OUR plans for our own lives are, we totally miss out on what God is speaking to us through His Spirit. We have tunnel vision. I even had a timeline, but that timeline has long been disbanded. I will be 29 in a few days, and I am still unmarried and do not have any children. 

It reminds me that God is timeless, but we as humans can be consumed with time because we are only here a little and some of us want to accomplish so much before we leave here. I know I do. I want to know that my time here was spent well, and I lived within obedience to God's will by praying and seeking Him and listening to what He is speaking to me in my everyday life.

That's what I'm trying to do right now. Seeking God and asking Him to lead me down the right path and convict me of when I need to not concern myself with certain things or focus so much attention elsewhere and He has.

I'm dedicated to the college ministry in my church in Sunday nights. I'm dedicated to my Tuesday night bible study. I am enjoying how we are taking time to really pray for others. Prayer is so imperative to my life. I'm so thirsty to be in prayer for others, especially now with so many of my loved ones having major stuff going on.

I pray for wisdom and understanding for school and that if this is where God wants me to be, then I will remain where I am and press on with school and these classes I will soon take next month. That I will be content with where I am in life, but not that things won't change. 

It is hard balancing relationships, school, job, and serving in the church. My other prayer would be that I would place my relationship with God above all. He is the center of my universe. He is the Beginning and the End. Without Him, everything falls apart.

God, Be my all. Be my everything. You are everything. Lead me to the everlasting.


Friday, April 24, 2009

Prayer of Confession

By Peter Nott
Bishop of Norwich

"Prayer of Confession"

Let this be my prayer for all of us always and forevermore

O Lord, open our minds to see ourselves as You see us,
And from all unwillingness to know our weakness and our sin,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From wishing to be the center of attention:
From seeking admiration;
From the desire to have our own way in all things:
From unwillingness to listen to others,
From resentment to criticism,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From taking pleasure in the weakness of others,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From the constant fear of what others are thinking of us;
From fear of speaking what we know is the truth,
And doing what we know is right,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From carelessness about the needs of others;
From selfish use of time and money;
From all lack of generosity;
Good Lord, deliver us.

From lack of self-discipline, from failure to persevere;
From depression in failure and disappointment,
Good Lord, deliver us.

From pretense and acting a part; from hypocrisy;
From all dishonesty with ourselves and with others,
Good Lord, deliver us,

From failure to respect the bodies and minds of ourselves and others;
From any kind of addiction;
Good Lord, deliver us.

From lack of sensitivty and division in our community;
From failure to love and to forgive;
Good Lord, deliver us.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Believing a lie

I find myself every year after Easter and before my birthday thinking about my life and what stage of life I'm in.  Honestly, I'm quite bored with where I'm at in life and want a change. I know I'm lazy because I don't feel challenged enough or motivated. I'm ready to move on and see what other exciting things God has for me in my life. I'm ready for the next chapter.

I tell God often, "God, reveal Your plan for me. Show me the way. Show me where You want me to be. Where I need to be." It's my constant prayer.

I realize I have been believing in a lie so long that I lost heart and I lost hope. My own negative thoughts. My own assumptions of what I think people think about me. I can be so self-focused, until I averted my eyes off of me and back on to Jesus

My attitude has changed inwardly since I had this realization of how self-absorbed and self-focused I have been. I feel like a new born baby Christian again discovering this truth. What lies have you been believing about yourself? 

I have a hard time with where I'm at in life. I feel stuck living with my mother and my brother. I believe I will always be living here, working the same job, and never advancing while my friends continue to go ahead of me and graduate college, work their dream jobs, get engaged, get married, and have children.  See, there is that self-focus and envy that pours into my thoughts and Satan jeering me saying, "It will happen for everyone else, but not for you."

I realize how easily I can get distracted from focusing on Jesus by my own thoughts. I began to renew my thoughts with His truth. Learning to sort through the lies is still a process for me. I'm not a naturally upbeat person. I am a "realist" who sees the world for what it really is, but in the process I have focused entirely too much on myself and what I perceive other people think about me as a person and my life. Self-perceptions.

I pray that God will continue to protect me from Satan's lies(I know He will) and that I will live victoriously. Live like I have been saved and that God has a plan for me. I have a hard time believing that because I want things to happen for me like I see in my other friend's lives. I know I'm so impatient and so unwilling to wait and keep seeking God in every aspect of my life.

I just want to know that I'm not a failure. That God is pleased with me. I don't have to do all these things like serving in every single ministry or volunteering and helping people with stuff all the time. I know sometimes I equate pleasing God to WHAT I DO, but it's about pleasing Him with the kind of person I AM.

I don't want to believe in these lies anymore.  I want to advance and grow, and I want people to see me for who I really am and who I desire to really be. I don't want to be fake, a busybody, a gossip, a liar, a person who envies and secretly hates someone for the things they have that I don't have... I want to be a woman of God, pure, undefiled, noble, wise, a servant, etc.

Even if the things I desire deep in my heart don't happen like marriage and children, I pray that I will be content with that, and not only that, but be content with where I am now or where I will be no matter what stage of life I'm in.

In Jesus' Name.
S.L. Johnson

Friday, April 17, 2009


For the past couple of months, I have been praying and thinking about going to school again.  I have many issues with school. I get bored easily and will quit if I feel like I'm going to be there forever. I work a full-time job and I'm involved with the college ministry where I attend church, so adding school on there might be too overwhelming for me and plus no social life or fellowship.

 I'm one of these types of people that basically has to really stay focused on school, or I will drop out and I have to give a lot of my time and attention to it, or I will lose motivation. I'm an all or nothing type of person. I can get impatient and lose passion for what I'm pursuing in life and I want to be focused, passionate, and determined. I want to do what I love in life as a life long career, but my issue is I have no earthly idea what that is. I have prayed and prayed about it and will keep praying about it until I get an answer.

After praying and asking God about all of this school stuff, I submitted my admissions application to Dallas Tele Learning College. What I like about it is, I can take classes online without going to one or more Dallas Community College Campuses that offer the classes I need to take for earning my degree without commuting and being there in person. Some of the classes are not set for a certain time, so I can log on and do it on my own time every day of the week. I need flexibility. I work full-time. Self-paced is good for me because sometimes I learn better that way and don't feel bogged down to a set schedule every day.  Also, it took a long time for me when I did homework because I learn differently than most people I know.  I always thought I had learning disabilities and when I went to Eastfield College in Mesquite many moons ago and did a self-paced developmental math course, I made an 'A.' Kudos to whoever wrote that book because I actually learned a lot more doing self-paced than when I was in high school.

I'm excited about all the possibilities. I'm looking into Sociology stuff right now.  I really want to pursue what I have a passion for in life and stay focused on God and what His plan is for me.  I will be 29 soon, and I feel stuck with where I am now in life. I'm ready for a change and ready to press on ahead into the next chapter in my life. I'm grateful to be able to have the possibility of school and learning more about myself and what I really excel in so that I can use my abilities and talents to help people and glorify God.

Since my way of thinking has changed, I can see so much clearer how it is not about me and all about God. Staying focused on God and what He has for me and what His Word says about how we are to live.

Please be in prayer about this and that my double-mindedness will go away as God reveals His plan to me about school.

Your Friend in Christ,

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday

Dear Jesus,

I can't stop thinking about You right now. I confess that I don't always think about You or Your Word or other people before myself. Forgive me of the sins of self-centeredness and idolatry.

I think about You in the Garden of Gethsemane and how lonely You must of been there. Everyone abandoned You. You were betrayed with a kiss from one of Your disciples into the hands of the man who had the power to release You from Your death, and yet You said nothing.

Do I not do the same to You today? I bless You and curse You with the same mouth.

I think about how humble You are and how I could never live up to this Christian life I live without You and the power You give me. I do too many things on my own, but if You can endure all that You did on the Cross, I know You can do ALL things. I need to surrender and let go and stop doing all these things on my own accord.

Some un-believers say that I'm brainwashed in what I believe about You and Christianity, and my prayer is that You will reveal Yourself to them like You revealed Yourself to me. I once hated You, but little by little, You softened my heart and showed me that this world has nothing to offer me and now I love You. I know some people don't understand why I believe in You, but I truly believe everything written about You in the Bible. I believe that You are the Son of God. I believe that You died on the Cross. I believe that everyone who repents of their sins wholeheartedly and calls on Your Name, Jesus, that they will inherit eternal life.

There is so much more that happens after this declaration of believing in You. There comes a beautiful relationship, that depends on the believer. The kind of relationship that You will never have with any mortal person. Yes, if you choose to believe in Jesus, some people will hate you, even your own family, and some of your friends will leave your side, but it is written that this will happen.

Jesus, I can't fathom many mysteries of God myself, and I believe many will be revealed upon Your return. What I do know, is that for now, I will continue to believe in You regardless of persecution.

I need You to help me in this life. It is not easy living for You. Everything written in Your word about how to live goes against my human nature. Ibattle daily with my flesh and my spirit. Some people will simply not believe because they can't live up to being a Christian and what it means. Who can live up to perfection? It is not about being "perfect", it is about TRUTH and doing what is right. It is not about feelings, it is about TRUTH.

Jesus, You have taught me so many things, and I want to learn more. Help me, and forgive me for not standing up to Your Truth because of fear: fear of persecution, fear of not knowing what to say, fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc. Help me to stand firm in the Word and Truth. Help my fellow believing family. Most of all, help my unbelieving family and friends.

Help me to live out what Your Word says we are to live. I'm not tying to be perfect. I'm trying to be LIKE YOU, even though I know I will never BE YOU. Help me to be a witness and convict me when I fail You and deserve to be called "a hypocrite."

I can NEVER BE THANKFUL ENOUGH for everything You have done, do everyday for me, and will do through me by the power of Your Holy Spirit. You leave me breathless and in awe. What else can I say, Jesus??? Sometimes all I can say is I love You.

Your daughter forever,

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


The number one thing that stays on my mind constantly is , "God, what is my true passion in life?"

That questions stays on my mind often because I constantly think about where I'm at in my life and where I should be or want to be. As if there is a timeline. I don't want to waste any more time on futile things that lead nowhere... or more importantly, do not lead me back to Jesus and losing focus on Him and His will for my life.

I realize that life is short. There is an urgency that is implanted deep within me to not waste my life. To rid myself of things that I do not need to involve myself with or focus on. I meditate often on growth.

Have I really grown in my Christian walk, or am I just going through the motions? When people look at me, can they tell that something is different about me, or am I just like every other "hypocritic Christian." I know I'm not perfect, but I do think how I portray myself to the rest of the world in regards to walking the walk and talking the talk.

Do I really stand behind my beliefs or do I make God a liar with my actions and words? Do I stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves? Do I really care about the poor more than my own pocketbook?

These are questions that I think about. I think Christians hear the words of the Bible, but we often fail at application because we aren't perfect, we fear, we lack trust in God sometimes, we have sin struggles, etc. We are at different levels of spiritual maturity and this Christian life is challenging.

It challenges you to look deep within yourself. At things we often would rather not discuss because that would mean we would actually have to work on that issue. Sometimes, I tell God, I can't live this Christian life. It's too hard. Then I realize I do too many things on my own strength instead of looking to God or asking God for help in areas of my life that seem impossible.

It is all about God and glorifiying Him with everything that is within me. To stay the course no matter what happens in life. To remember the people in the Bible and their struggles and how some of them were obedient and followed Christ regardless of circumstance.

That is how I want to be. A follower of Jesus no matter what is going on in my life or happens along the way. That is my prayer and may Jesus give the strength and endurance to do so.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Trusting in God

Today is Friday, March 27, 2009.

There are so many people on my mind right now. I guess you could say that I'm burdened with prayers for my friends. Some of my friends are tired from trying to work and go to school. Some of my friends have financial concerns. Others have major health issues going on. Other just want to know what God would have for them.

Although I'm not around much, I meditate on these things. I pray to God about them. It puts into perspective how much in need of God we are everyday. With the busyness of life, it is easy to throw a pity party for yourself or allow yourself to be bogged down with the have nots and not yets. It is easy to forget all about God in the process. It is easy to say, "God, where are you", or "God, have you forgotten all about me?"

Sometimes, I am jealous or even envious of my friends. I want to have my own apartment. I want to be on my own, but because of life decisions, I'm not. I'm not able to spend money and go out like I see some of my friends doing, and it does make me mad sometimes because I want to go out and do things, but God says to me that I need to be wise with my money and if I really want to be on my own again or do this or that, I need to be disciplined and say no sometimes, even when it is hard to say no. He is teaching me to say no right now, but sometimes I take the no to extreme and never go out or hang out. That's another issue...

I have to quit comparing myself to my friends, and remember that I'm different than my friends. God has a plan for each individual He has created. I want to know many things and ask God many questions, and sometimes, I feel like He is not there.

I ask God, "Where does my true passion lie?" "Should I go to school, and if I did, what would I go to school for?" I need a direct, clear, concise answer from God. I want to know because I don't want to waste my life. I know that I could perish at any moment because my life is a vapor. I don't want to look back at my life, and say, "God, I could of done more, but I was so focused on myself and what I wanted. I could of lived a better life."

So, my goal is to stay focused on God and not compare myself to my friends and where I should be in life at age 28, almost 29. I have to believe that God does have a plan for my life, and that I am a very blessed person because I have basic necessities in life: I have food,water, clothing, and shelter. I have a mother and two brothers and many other family members who love and care about me. I have a wonderful church home and friends that come alongside me and I can come alongside of them and help them and encourage them, and so many of them have been an encouragement to me, especially last year when I didn't feel good from the headaches I was experiencing. I have a job and a car that gets me from point "A" to "B". I might not have the most glamourous job or most up to date car, but I'm grateful. In hindsight, I'm rich in comparison to most of the world.

I'm grateful that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me and I have faith that God will lead me in the right direction. I'm the one who has to choose who I will follow. In the process, I have to be disciplined and obedient, and not lose heart. This life is not easy, and even moreso being a follower of Jesus, we are not promised an easy life. If my life were easy, I would never learn anything.

I know I'm not the only person who has these questions of "What should I do with my life in regards to this or that". I have to remain focused and REMEMBER His Word, promises, and all the good things He has done for me. All the trials and tribulations He has seen me through. He is always with me. He has some awesome people in my path to help me remember His character and He has used my family and friends to speak truth in my life.

When I look back at my life, I'm grateful. God saved me from a very dark road. I was so unhappy living that kind of life. I knew in my heart that I needed a Saviour, and once Jesus opened my eyes and ears to things unseen, my life has changed tremendously. I have the kind of friends I have always wanted. I am not in the place in life I want to be, but God is with me and preparing me for the things to come.

My prayer is that I will not lose focus or heart and keep pressing on towards the goal. I'm always so focused on growth in my walk with Christ. No matter what my desires are, my biggest desire is to be a woman of God, set apart to do the work He has for me and not get caught up or polluted by the world. This world has nothing for me. By body and everything I am belongs to God. I want to glorify Him and do His Work. That is my heart's cry. That is what I'm here to do.

Even if I have to give up marriage and children. God, I deep down really want to stay focused on You, and please give me the strength and courage to press on even if I don't get the things I want. Not my will be done, but Yours Father God. Yours, God.

In Christ Forevermore,
Shanna Leanne

Friday, March 20, 2009

Lead me

Father God,

I have thought and thought about a life long career and what I'm really passionate about, but I'm still not sure. I'm soon to be 29 years old on May 17th. I don't want to waste time and this life that You have given me. I know I haven't always made the best use of my time, but I do realize that my life is a vapor as Your Word says. I want to make the best of my time here before I pass away and return to You. I want You to be proud of Your daughter and I want to make a difference and really live for You. I know it takes discipline, endurance, and strength. I know I lack motivation, drive, and a desire right now because I feel disconnected from Your church. Forgive me for being self-centered and self-focused. How many times will I have to repent for following after false idols?

Father, lead me into the direction You would have me to go. Father, give me clear insight, wisdom, and discernment as to what it is You would have me to do. I need clarity as to what I need to do. Should I go to college and take classes? What should I pursue in school if I do go? Show me where my true passion lies, and give me the motivation and drive to go after it. I need a clear answer from the Lord because I don't want to waste my time here like I already have. I know that life is temporal, and Your Word stands forever. I want to please You and not focus on worldly things, but spiritual and heavenly things that do not pass away.
There are so many things that I want to do, but I want to pursue the path that is within Your Will and will glorify You, and not myself.

Forgive me for not seeking You when I need to run to You and have ran towards worldly things that never satisfy. Thank you for Your love, grace, mercy, and undying patience which I don't fully comprehend.

You daughter,
Shanna Leanne