Into the Abyss

I see myself as a tiny ant in this mass universe... but what am I building upon for my future? I have been blessed with a job. It's not my dream job, but God provided this job for me almost two years after I quit my job in March 2005. I was at a job I really despised before this job came along and when I went temp-to-hire, I was so happy.  I'm really grateful for the job I have and being able to provide for myself.

I can sense God leading me in another direction. I sense His Spirit strongly. He has a plan for me and I'm seeking Him and asking questions. I'm still not sure about school even though I paid for my online Intro to Sociology class for Summer II. It starts 06/08/09 and ends 07/16/2009. I definitely needs prayers for wisdom and understanding. I'm not the best student. I learn by doing, but I'm poor at directions. Like if someone gave me directions on how to put something together like a desk, I can't do it. I'm hoping that I will be able to take this online course and read and actually be able to apply these directions and pass this course. I know I have learning disabilities, so I mainly try to observe and pay attention. It just seems like my mind blanks out information as soon as someone tells me something and so I have to re-read things over a thousand times, and sometimes I still don't get it. What's also frustrating, is trying to remember what people tell me and not misinterpret how they said how to do it. We will see how school goes... Learning disabilities aside. I'm going to give school another go.

I sick of just wading in the abyss of my life. I'm sick of being a "Doubting Thomas" and asking God all these questions of "When, Where, Why, What Time, and How?" I'm sick of the monotony of my life and how things seem so stagnant and boring. I'm sick of these migraines that affect my life so much and the medications and doctor visits I have wasted money on that I could of used that money for something else. I'm sick of feeling held back by financial woes. I don't want to be mad or angry at God for the things I don't have and remind myself often not to compare or envy others.

At bible study the other night, the one thing I remember most is how we were talking about God's plan and how God had a plan for Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary didn't know that she was to bring the Saviour into the world by virgin birth. She could of easily married Joseph and lead a simple life in those days, but she brought Jesus into the world by the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph even though to divorce her, but God sent an angel to explain His plan and what was to happen. Mary is will always be remembered for being the mother of Jesus. 

Since God has a plan for each of us, we need not try to plan our lives. A lot of people have goals in mind of how old they want to be when they want to be married and have children, but God has a different plan in mind way better than we could ever conceive of. I think we get  so focused on what OUR plans for our own lives are, we totally miss out on what God is speaking to us through His Spirit. We have tunnel vision. I even had a timeline, but that timeline has long been disbanded. I will be 29 in a few days, and I am still unmarried and do not have any children. 

It reminds me that God is timeless, but we as humans can be consumed with time because we are only here a little and some of us want to accomplish so much before we leave here. I know I do. I want to know that my time here was spent well, and I lived within obedience to God's will by praying and seeking Him and listening to what He is speaking to me in my everyday life.

That's what I'm trying to do right now. Seeking God and asking Him to lead me down the right path and convict me of when I need to not concern myself with certain things or focus so much attention elsewhere and He has.

I'm dedicated to the college ministry in my church in Sunday nights. I'm dedicated to my Tuesday night bible study. I am enjoying how we are taking time to really pray for others. Prayer is so imperative to my life. I'm so thirsty to be in prayer for others, especially now with so many of my loved ones having major stuff going on.

I pray for wisdom and understanding for school and that if this is where God wants me to be, then I will remain where I am and press on with school and these classes I will soon take next month. That I will be content with where I am in life, but not that things won't change. 

It is hard balancing relationships, school, job, and serving in the church. My other prayer would be that I would place my relationship with God above all. He is the center of my universe. He is the Beginning and the End. Without Him, everything falls apart.

God, Be my all. Be my everything. You are everything. Lead me to the everlasting.

Amen.

S.L.Johnson