A Hard Admittance

I confess that I'm really having a hard time with my weight to the point that I do not want to eat in front of people. I have even thought about getting rid of my food by throwing it up, but have not done it. It is a thought that I want to disappear forever. I'm slowly gaining back the weight I lost when I was on my Topamax medication for my headaches. I had to stop taking that medication because of horrible side effects. Now, when I eat I'm so very self-conscious. I hate how food has such a control over me. I hate that it is necessary for survival. I hate that I feel alone. I hate how every girl I see seems to weigh like 110 lbs. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that God loves me and I'm unique and that comparing yourself to others is wrong and a tool the devil uses against us. I know my identity is in Christ and I need to claim it. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to take action and stop complaining. That is easier said than done. I feel so defeated, depressed, and sad, and ashamed of my thoughts. It's not easy to stop bad eating habits from childhood. I use to be thin and gained so much weight when my dad died. The weight is a constant reminder of his death for me. I need God's strength and power right now to help me through this addiction. I can't do this on my own without Him. Please help me, God. I'm tired of being fat and constantly not fitting into my clothes.

Anxious

I went to the doctor last night because I have been experiencing chronic fatigue for awhile. I asked him if it was okay if we good run some more lab tests. I'm afraid that all my lab tests will come back normal, and I will continue to not know why I'm extremely tired all the time. I know I'm not a good sleeper, but this kind of tiredness is not normal. It's constant, and I can't stop yawning. At work, I have almost fallen asleep at my desk several times. I take a multi-vitamin and Vitamin B-12. I have been exercising and go to sleep at a decent time every night. I don't understand and hate not knowing what's wrong with me. I had one of the phlebotomists where I work draw my labs this morning, and she will have to send it off to an outside lab. If those test results come back normal, I'm not sure what else to do. I pray about this, and I try to eat healthy, exercise, and take vitamins, and go to bed at a decent hour. I'm constantly tired. I hate it. There's so much that I need to do and I feel like this keeps me from doing things because I have no energy level at all. I'm concerned about my health, and have been for a long time. I'm too young for this kind of stuff to be happening to me. I barely have energy to work my job, drive home, get up in the morning, go to the grocery store, get up for church on Sunday, or help serve on the college ministry on Sunday night. Please keep me in your prayers if you read this. Thanks.

Night-time bloggin'

So, it's Sunday, and I didn't go to church or to MERGE... It was a struggle just getting out of bed... was in bed for most of the day because my headache would not go away... so I bascially watched t.v. all day and did laundry.

I watched this marathon on MTV called the World's Strictest Parents where these strict parents take in two rebellious teens for a week. I was amazed at how much some of the teens changed after staying with the parents in that short amount of time... some of the teens were just lazy, but most of them drank, smoked, and cursed, and were really disrespectful to the parents. I was really awestruck by how most of the parents behaved calmly by this disrespectful behavior, and most of the parents were of the Christian faith and prayed for the teens. I thought that was awesome. I got a lot from watching the show because of the effect thse strict parents had on these teens. Whether or not they stick to changing their ways remains to be seen, but it gave me a glimpse of how some teens are and how they act, and how to be a parent and what a challenge it is. I look forward to one day being a parent, but I know it is not my time yet.

I feel like I wasted yet anopther day of my life not feeling well, but I can't help it sometimes, I have no energy at all even if I take vitamins and eat well. I kinda concerned but can't go to th doctor because we are shortstaffed and I'm trying to accumulae time off hours, so I'm praying that God will give me strength just to endure getting up in the morning and getting out of bed. It takes all my strength, especially when I'm not feeling well. I don' t want to complain about it. I really don't understand the fatigue. I can eat well, work out, and take vitamins, and feel so tired I can't stay awake. I have to lay down. It's strange. I know I need to go see my doctor, just have to put it off a while longer. I don't want to waste any more of my days staying at home in bed because of horrible headaches and fatigue. There is way too much to do, and nothing is going to hold me back.

I'm so grateful to God for everything. I realize I can do more than what I thought I could. I pray for strength and restoration and deliverance tonight. In Jesus' Name.

So, I'm on my 30-minute lunch break at work... it's around 12:30 p.m. My co-worker, Janet, left at noon. She is flying out to Florida to go to ther father's funeral. I'm not sure how old Janet is, but I think she is in her sixties. Her father was in his 90's... 95 I think. Janet's mother passed away a month ago, and she lived in California. I pray for peace and comfort while Janet goes to be with her family in Florida.

We will be shortstaffed at work. We already are shortstaffed. One of my co-worker's, Kim, left to go work with the doctor that was temporarily with our office, Dr. Le at Presby Plano. Her replacement is not able to come back to work until August 5th because her daughter has a rare nerve disease called RSV, that affects her central nervious system. Her name is Debbie, and she use to work at the front desk until she had to leave to take care of her daughter. Debbie's husband is in the military and comes back permanently, which is good for her. Debbie has had to deal with her daughter's illness with a husband and a son in the military.

My other co-worker, Richelle, also had a death in the family a day apart from when Janet's dad died. So, she had to leave in the middle of the day over a week ago... So, work has been a little hectic, but nothing too bad...

There have been a lot of deaths of family members of co-workers I work with. It's really eerie because they all happened around the same time, but in different departments. First it was radiation, and then medical records.

Janet will return to work next Friday, so I pray that my workweek next week will not be too bad. Luckily, I'm done with school until about a month or so, so I have some downtime to really think and get advice for the next semester.

My oldest brother, Jeremy, moved back in last week, and he moved the computer in the living room. This means that I can continue to take online courses with DCCCD if I choose to. I need to go talk to a counselor about the Fall semester because I'm not sure where to go from here.

As far as the summer goes, I really just want to treat this time as a vacation even though I can not go anywhere right now unless I took a road trip to Austin or somewhere else in Texas for a weekend.

Things in the college ministry are changing as the college pastor feels called to another chapter in his life, but not knowing exactly what that is yet. I love the Larsen family and I'm excited for Robby, who will take on this new leadership role. I pray that I will not get tired serving in the church as people continue to get married and move on from the college ministry to the next chapter in their lives. There have been so many engagements in the college ministry this year, I'm trying not to be envious.

I think for me, everything has never come easily or quickly. I blossomed later in life, and while most of my friends started driving at 16, I got my license at 19. I had to save up for the down payment. I know all the good things that I desire are coming up but I know in my heart it is not my time yet. I'm still pursuing an education, which is undecided, and I'm trying to build up my savings account and pay what I can pay on my debts.

I admit I am highly frustrated with myself for getting to the weight that I am. Most people think that I look fine, but I am overweight, and there are a lot of medical problems like diabetes and heart problems. It is important for me to lose weight and take care of my body, especially if I plan on getting pregnant in the future.

I've been thinking about getting a new bike, so I'm looking around for deals. I went to the park with some of my friends on Tuesday evening at Breckenridge Park in Richardson, and I loved the trails. I know it is way too hot to go outside and exercise, but I really want to make an effort and get this fat off of me. I realize how weak I am without God and the hardt hing about being addicted to food is that we need food for survival and I grew up in a family with poor eating habits. It's going to be a challenge to lose the weight and keep it off, but only with God's help can I do that. No matter how hard I try, I can not stop overeating. I tried and tried.

I'm excited for what God has for me. For now I'm going to enjoy the rest of the summer and focus on weight loss, healthy eating, paying off debts, saving money, and what to take next semester.

Thank you God for this opportunity to change myself for the better, not only physically, but in all ways. Lord, help me embrace this time of singleness, and help to to focus on You, and not be concerned with things I shouldn't concern myself with. Lord, show me who my real friends are, and provide new Christian friends in my life to help and encourage me in my path.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

S.L. Johnson

What's Next?

So, I'm on my 30-minute lunch break at work, so I thought I would give a little update before time runs out and I have to clock back in...

I finished my online Sociology class on Monday, the 13th... I think I made an "A" in the class... I'm not quite sure, though because the grading system is different. I'm glad I put myself out there and took the class. I honestly did not think I would be able to handle the workload, but I did fine, and worked hard. I missed out on Summer II. It came so fast, and I would not know what to take anyways. I need to talk to a counselor about the Fall semester. I kind of know the area I want to work in now, but it is a matter of talking to the right people and figuring out which degree plan to pursue.

This is what I know: I love children, but I'm not a teacher and I do not want to be a nanny or work in childcare. I also know I do not necessarily be a social worker. I'm actually thinking of working with adoption agencies, but like I said, I'm not sure what that means exactly. I know that childbirth amazes me, and I think that pregnancy is a miracle. I'm awestruck by the whole birthing process. I think it would be great to help out pregnant mothers.

My church has a Pregnancy Resource Center in Rockwall and Mesquite I can volunteer at, but my time is limited because I work full-time and will be going to school in the Fall. I do not want to overwhelm myself because I ddo have health problems, and need to make sure I get plenty of rest.

I am continuing to pray for what God would have me to do. I always have stuff going on and things to take care of... I'm a little concerned about my health because I have had this deep chest cough on and off for months. I have been wheezing, and I don't weeze, and if I do not take some kind of allergy medication, I will sneeze and sneeze, and my nose will run, and my eyes and ears itch nonstop.

Things are a little hectic at work because we are shortstaffed and there have been two deaths in the family for two of my co-workers in a matter of two days, so I'm tired from the shortstaffedness, and I'm tired from doing my class. Since my class is over, all I want to do when I get home is sleep.

I have this unexplainable fatigue. I have been taking a multi-vitamin and 1000mcg of Vitamin B-12 and I'm still tired. I don't understand it. I know I need to go to the doctor, but I'm scared what may be happening in my body.

My bloodwork came back normal from my yearly visit, but I need other bloodtests done to see if something is going on like Lupus, etc.

I need lots of prayers. I'm tired and have little energy to go and socialize. I ned a vacation, but that's impossible, and if I go on vacation, I want to go out of state, away from work and everything else.

Well, not too much of an update, but I have to go back to work....

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks.

So, I started my new online Sociology class for Summer I.had some fears about this class because I have never done an online class. Plus, this class is fast-paced; reading two chapters a week, assignments, and weekly test that are due on Sundays.

I'm surprised how well I'm doing in this class. I have to give God all the glory. I know that if this is the path I'm to follow, He will provide for my means, and that I don't need to worry about how I'm going to pay for my classes, and not really having much of a social life. I have more of a social life than I thought I would, but have had to say "no" to some things. I even got to go to an awesome Masquerade Ball Party, which was super fun!!

I'm grateful for the chance to go to school. I mean, I thought I was one of those people that don't go to college. I see that now I'm also leaning towards doing some kind of work with children also; not as a teacher, but maybe at an adoption agency or orphanage, which would be in the social sciences field. I might end up taking Human Development classes which are mainly for a teaching degree.

I have been praying so long for God to lead me and tell me where He wants me to be as far as a career goes. I have always had an IMMENSE love for children- well people of all ages, but mainly little ones, and serving others. Working at an orphanage or adoption agency will combine these two loves of mine.

I keep praying for wisdom and discernment and that I won't be concerned with missing out on things like parties and get-togethers. I know that fellowship is important, and I do fellowship, but sometimes I'm focused too much on that, and not on what God has for me to do.

He is telling me to press forwards and keep doing what I'm doing. Things seem to be aligning together for this to happen, so I'm really joyful and excited about what comes next.

He is also opening up opportunities for me to meet new people at church. Most of them share the same interests in the arts as I do. I'm just amazed about what God is doing for me and through me by His Spirit.

My next goal is to start slowly paying off debts, and really take care of myself by exercising. I know it is hot outside, but I have a desire to go walking or doing something to get myself in shape.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me tomorrow!!! :-)

It's Friday, and I'm at home. I'm not sure if I want to get out of the house and go somewhere or stay here and veg out by watching t.v. 

One thing that consumes my mind right now is my Summer 1 Intro to Sociology class which begins June 8th and ends July 16. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy, but I do have concerns about the class.

For one, it is online and is fast-paced requiring 12-18 per week outside of my work schedule, church activities, etc.  It requires me to read a chapter every couple of days, respond to discussion boards and questions from my peers in regards to class assignments, and do review sheets, etc.

I'm really going to have to prioritize well and be disciplined and focus on my studies.  I'm going to have to learn how to manage my time well in order to exceed in this class for the next 5 1/2 weeks.  

My concerns are that I will not understand the reading material. I easily forget what I read, and I can re-read over things again and again and still not understand the text or directions. It's frustrating, but it seems like what I just read just "blinked" out of my mind the moment I finished reading it forcing me to focus harder and harder without any distractions.

Regardless of my concerns for the class ahead, I'm excited about what I am going to about myself and my peers who are attending class with me online. Each of us are assigned to a small group, and one of my group members already e-mailed me.  

When I got home from work, I logged online and read the first chapter of the book required for the class. I will probably re-reread the 20 plus pages of the first chapter so I can remember what I read better.

I keep praying for wisdom, discipline, focus, drive, motivation, and time management. I don't want to get burnt out and drop the class. I tend to be an overachiever and want to do well and stay on the right path and direction God has for me.

I feel like I'm stressing out about it too much, but I intentionally and sincerely want God to take control of my life and I want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading in my life. I'm 29 years old. Life is a vapor and I don't want to waste my life or concern myself with thing I don;t need to concern myself with.

God, grant me wisdom to take this class. Please help me retain what I read, understand the reading material, and understand directions for class assignments. Lord, give wisdom while taking all the quizzes and tests after each chapter for each unit. Lord, help me to manage my time well and to be focused on my education. Lord, give me the will, drive, and motivation to do this fast-paced 5 1/2 week long course as it requires a lot of my time outside of my work, church activities, and social life. Help me most of all, to stay focused on you as top priority, as everything falls apart without You. God, help me. I need You. I love You and everything You are doing for me right now, have done, and will continue to do through me by the power of Your Holy Spirit which guides me in all truth and knowledge.

In Jesus' Name. Amen.

S.L. Johnson