Saturday, August 1, 2009

A Hard Admittance

I confess that I'm really having a hard time with my weight to the point that I do not want to eat in front of people. I have even thought about getting rid of my food by throwing it up, but have not done it. It is a thought that I want to disappear forever. I'm slowly gaining back the weight I lost when I was on my Topamax medication for my headaches. I had to stop taking that medication because of horrible side effects. Now, when I eat I'm so very self-conscious. I hate how food has such a control over me. I hate that it is necessary for survival. I hate that I feel alone. I hate how every girl I see seems to weigh like 110 lbs. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that God loves me and I'm unique and that comparing yourself to others is wrong and a tool the devil uses against us. I know my identity is in Christ and I need to claim it. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to take action and stop complaining. That is easier said than done. I feel so defeated, depressed, and sad, and ashamed of my thoughts. It's not easy to stop bad eating habits from childhood. I use to be thin and gained so much weight when my dad died. The weight is a constant reminder of his death for me. I need God's strength and power right now to help me through this addiction. I can't do this on my own without Him. Please help me, God. I'm tired of being fat and constantly not fitting into my clothes.

1 comment:

The Davis Family said...

Hey Shanna, I know you wrote this a while back, but I just read it. I would say just embrace who you are. It's not about what you weight but how you carry it! Big women can be beautiful and sexy too! When you begin to see yourself that way you will gain confidence in yourself. I've always been much bigger than all of my friends, and I will admit, that at times it bothers me. However, I just have to remind myself that even though my body is a little bigger, I am still a beautiful woman. And so are you! And you are right, if you want to loose the weight, do it! It's not easy, but feels great when you accomplish you goals. Remember to set little goals too. Like, focus on a day to day basis. If you ate terrible today, don't think "Oh great, I've blown my diet!" Who cares! Move on and start again tomorrow. Focus on loosing maybe 10 pounds, instead of 20 or 30, and when you achieve that, reward yourself and then focus on another 10 more!That's helps! I love you girl! I miss seeing you every week. We need to have a ladies night as so Len and I get moved in to our new place! :)