A Hard Admittance

I confess that I'm really having a hard time with my weight to the point that I do not want to eat in front of people. I have even thought about getting rid of my food by throwing it up, but have not done it. It is a thought that I want to disappear forever. I'm slowly gaining back the weight I lost when I was on my Topamax medication for my headaches. I had to stop taking that medication because of horrible side effects. Now, when I eat I'm so very self-conscious. I hate how food has such a control over me. I hate that it is necessary for survival. I hate that I feel alone. I hate how every girl I see seems to weigh like 110 lbs. I hate comparing myself to others because I know that God loves me and I'm unique and that comparing yourself to others is wrong and a tool the devil uses against us. I know my identity is in Christ and I need to claim it. I know that if I want to lose weight, I need to take action and stop complaining. That is easier said than done. I feel so defeated, depressed, and sad, and ashamed of my thoughts. It's not easy to stop bad eating habits from childhood. I use to be thin and gained so much weight when my dad died. The weight is a constant reminder of his death for me. I need God's strength and power right now to help me through this addiction. I can't do this on my own without Him. Please help me, God. I'm tired of being fat and constantly not fitting into my clothes.